Life Renovations

Now starring...

     How often do we find ourselves caught up in what someone else thinks of us, how someone else will feel about our actions, or romanticizing another's situation or life?

    From what I hear from clients, it happens more often than any of us would care to admit.  And what’s even more, the energy dedicated to wondering, worrying, and being fearful about others’ perceptions of us and our actions is taking away from the energy we could be putting into our own power and strength.   

  Yeah, how 'bout them apples! (just a little reference to a scene from the fabulous movie, GoodwillHunting)

    What I am saying is that when it is spelled out, it makes sense and seems logical that we should value our own opinions and choices above others.  Yet, it can be excruciatingly difficult to apply logic when we are caught up in this fear based thinking.  How do we break free from seeing our lives in this limiting way?

    Let’s examine the moment when we get trapped into this way of thinking.  What is going on?  Often, we are imagining a situation in which we acted a certain way that we perceive could be viewed questionably or someone offered a comment to us that seemed like they were judging us and so we scour our memories for what we could have done to trigger their statement.  Or sometimes, we get caught up daydreaming about how much easier some else's life is in comparison to ours.  But no matter what the specifics of the particular moment are, the common thread in these scenarios is that unfortunately, we are taking a big leap away from our own center and we allow someone to step into the spotlight of our focus. 

    By doing this, we allow someone else’s ideas, perceptions, and discernment to become the center of our thinking.  How can we maintain balance in our lives and feel centered when we’ve put someone else in the starring role?  I’d like to introduce the idea;  Each of us is the star of our own movie.  We are NOT the supporting actor or actress, we are NOT the antagonist and most importantly we are NOT an extra.  We are the ones who deserve to be the star, the one in the spotlight, the name in big lights!    

    Now, how ‘bout them apples!

    Two questions to ponder:

  *        What shift happens in our perception when we view our lives this way? 

  *        What would we be doing or thinking differently if we stopped viewing ourselves as a co-star or a secondary role? 

 
   Chances are we’d feel a bit freer and have more of a bounce in our step when we open ourselves to the idea of how important we are in our own lives.  By kicking our fear out of the spotlight, we get to step in and bask in the glow of how valuable we are. To help us practice our academy awards speech, the words of Marianne Williamson offer words of tremendous wisdom.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God*.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

* Please use what terms works for you meaning God.  Substitute whatever term represents you feeling connected to Life at its fullest.

Enjoy being the star of your movie! 

Self Care Series: Part 3- "Hey, That's My Friend You are Talking About"

      A good friend of mine has an expression she uses when someone she cares about is putting themselves down.  In the middle of a friend's self-deprecating rant, she will pause look her friend in the eyes and say, "Hey, watch it, that's my friend you're talking about there!"   On the few times that look has come my way, it has been such an eye opener for the ability we have to be incredibly harsh on ourselves. 
    Many of us like to take good care of the people we love; listening to them, validating their concerns, being a good cheerleader for their ideas.  How much of that do we give ourselves? 

    The answer I hear most often is a sheepish, "Not very often".  What would it look like to offer ourselves a little good tiding and praise for what we ARE doing well rather than the myriad ways we perceive we are falling short?  It can be challenging to be kind to ourselves when we are so used to holding the bar in a position we know is not attainable.  Wow... imagine living one day where we felt like what we are doing and who we are being is good enough....sounds wonderful.

    So here is the challenge today (it sounds simple but can be a little difficult if we don't do it often):

    What is one nice thing you can tell yourself today so that you feel like you are doing a good job or that you are simply good enough?

    Tell yourself that idea as many times today as you feel like it.  When any other voices (the ones with the impossible bar to reach) creep up...tell them quietly, "not now."  They will get their airtime, but for this moment, try to bask in that supportive comment you are giving yourself.

  What is it like if for one day we allow ourselves to reach the bar we have set before ourselves?

   Enjoy this day  knowing that you are fabulous and that you deserve to be treated so well!  And remember....that is someone's friend you are talking about!

     

Self Care Series: Part 2- How You Can Get There From Here

   In Maine there is an expression that goes,  “You can’t get there from here.”  It is said with pride regarding the way it takes a circuitous route (for lack of roads) to get to one’s desired location.  For example, a town that is 15 miles from my house as the crow flies takes nearly an hour to get to by car.  One just can’t hop on a super highway, but instead is forced to bumble along small two lane roads winding through towns and by rivers in order to get to one’s destination.

  Well, for those of you who are regular readers, you probably noticed that it has taken me (ironically) a long time to write the second entry in the self care series.  No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get here from there.  Life’s demands and activities kept coming between me and my goal of writing this entry.  Sound familiar to anyone?

   Try as I might in the last couple of weeks to find the highway that would be my quick route to getting my goal done; I kept finding myself on curvy, slow speed back roads.  The more I became frustrated with the road I was on; the more distant the destination seemed. 

   Then finally, I understood the value of the idea of “you can’t get there from here”.   The value of having to take an indirect route to one’s goal is that the journey becomes more important than the destination. For me, I woke up to this idea a couple of days ago over the weekend.  I had blocked out some time for writing, but for some reason I was pulled away.  Spontaneously, my family and I decided to explore a nearby farm.  We had been there before, but had never explored the gardens when everything was in bloom.  What resulted was a day of serendipity.

   Inside the gardens were luscious blooms, hidden statues of frogs wearing crowns, an adult sized rocking horse along side a child’s one, and a child’s tea set tucked behind a wall of flowers.  Unexpectedly, we picnicked right there in that magical place with my children and my husband and I in awe alike.

   That is when I realized that if life is going to offer me such divine detours, I better be smart enough to look around and enjoy the winding road! 

   With that said, I offer two lessons I gained since my last entry.

 

1. The journey is more important that the destination.

 

2. Taking things off of our plate frees us to enjoy the meal that is already there.

 

   By piling our plate sky high with things to do, it is incredibly difficult to ever feel the success that comes when we accomplish our goals.  What would it be like if we chose to do less?  Gasp.  What would it be like if chose to say “no” more to the endless things trying to leap onto our plate?  Hmm… 

   Even if does not seem possible to do one thing less right now in our lives, how possible would it be to at least put less thing on our plate right now until we get what is already there done? 

   What I mean is that try to focus only on a few items on the to-do list at once.  Sure. There may be a whole buffet of things you need to do or want to enjoy.  But for now, try taking just a couple items to focus on, accomplish, and relish.  That way we can better savor the success that comes from making accomplishments rather than focusing on all that is still to be done.

 

  By finally allowing myself to clear writing from my plate that day, I was able to truly savor a day with my family.  Then, when the winding road turned again, I found it was easy to put “writing” back on the list.  And the journey made it so much more enjoyable.

 

    What happens if today we decide to enjoy that “we can’t get there from here” and allow the journey to provide what it is that needs to be on our plates at this moment?

 

  

 

Extreme Self Care: Part one

   Imagine the most decadent way you could treat yourself to a few moments of pure enjoyment, relaxation, and rejuvenation.  Got it?  What came to your mind?  When was the last time you took this time for yourself?
This series is about getting back to basics; taking care of ourselves.  It is very easy to overlook our own     self- care in our lives.  "It can always wait till tomorrow" so the excuse goes or "I DON"T HAVE ANY TIME" is another voice that chimes in or the sabotaging side of us quietly says, "I'd feel guilty taking that time, energy, money for myself".  Any of these sound familiar?
  If your response to the question above was that you do take regular care of yourself by engaging in activities that restore and energize you- Congratulations! You might want to skip reading this or forward it to someone who needs it.  But chances are...that most of us are holding out on ourselves.  That is why I feel compelled to share some earth shattering news with you.
  YOU ARE THE ONLY YOU THAT YOU GET!  YOU ARE NOT REPLACEABLE...so TAKE CARE OF YOU!
  
 What can you do today to start taking better care of yourself? 
 
If your mind went blank because you have not taken good care of yourself since somewhere in the 1990's,
let me break it down for you:

What is one small step or activity you can engage in that would feel energizing for you today?

  I am talking something small, something doable, and something that might even be incredibly obvious. 
For me, the simplest pleasure that I adore and feels like a great luxury is taking a bath.  At our house we have an old  claw foot soaking tub which when complete with candles and bubble bath can feel like the most decadent day at the spa. 
   One day when I was feeling particularly busy lately, the thought came to me that I needed to stop everything and take a bath to get my wits about me.  Yes, I had piles of lists waiting, family needs to attend to, and appointments to keep.  That day though it simply hit me...it is imperative that we treat ourselves with the same care and courtesy we so willingly bestow on others.  Are you ready for some more earth shattering news?
  After my twenty minute soak in the tub, I had the best day with doors of possibility opening before me that I had not seen the day before.  All because of taking a tub?  Yes.  It can be that simple.  By taking one small step to better take care of ourselves, we open up our eyes and our hearts to being able to see hope, possibility, and options that before were not visible.  Why is this? By prioritizing ourselves, we shift around our whole perception of the items on the To Do List, and by doing this we can better think outside the box. Suddenly, with our new perspective we witness solutions falling into place where before we were stagnant or struggling.
  And you know what?  Despite what the excuses were attempting to say, I made all my appointments that day, was quite productive with my piles of things to do, and took care of my family's needs.  And I felt the joy that comes when we are not pushing ourselves without caring for and valuing ourselves. 
 
So here it is again,
What is one small step or activity you can engage in that would feel energizing for you today?

Go ahead, be reckless: Take care of yourself!  You are the only you that you've got. 

EXTREME Self Care Series

    Please join me for a four part series starting tomorrow dedicated to discussing how to take extreme care of oneself.  We are so great at making sure everyone else is cared for: family, friends, boss, neighbors, etc.  What about us?  How well are you taking care of yourself?  Join me for the next four entries which are dedicated to taking time (no matter how little it is) to bask in a few minutes that are ALL ABOUT YOU!

Enjoying the ride of NOW!

 Many times a day I hear people use words like “stressed”, “crunched for time”, and “maxxed out”. Sometimes, I am one of those people using those words. It is a pretty easy thing to do as our society promotes these feelings as representing accomplishment and productivity. It appears that being calm, relaxed, and joyful are words that indicate we aren’t really going anywhere or accomplishing anything. Yet, as we all know, feeling stressed and overwhelmed can greatly reduce our potential to get things done. And these feelings definitely affect our ability to enjoy the process of doing our work.

Tom Volkar of Delightful Work asked me what I was able to “juice” from my recent retreat with Two Roads. One concept I gained further insight into is the importance of living what life is presenting to us right now rather than living for what happens after this moment.

So often, I think we are encouraged to have the mentality of “grin and bear it” when going through a busy, challenging, or stressful time in our lives.  I liken this to closing our eyes on a roller coaster out of fear of what is about to come our way. Once we are on the ride, we are strapped in for a loopy-dee-doo, a downhill run, or whatever else the roller coaster ride has in store for us-there’s no getting out of it. We can either open our eyes and take in the thrill of the speed, excitement, and uncertainty or we can close our eyes, hunch our shoulders in nervous anticipation, and clench our teeth in a pained smile. The latter “Grin and Bear It” roller coaster rider is waiting for it all to be over rather than taking in the experience openly.

I want to acknowledge that some life experiences are so difficult and painful that developing a coping mechanism to endure them can prove helpful, however, all too often these coping techniques become part of our modus operandi long after the difficult time has passed.

How do we break free into a new pattern in which we are enjoying the ride and feeling calm amidst the thrill, stress, and challenge?

 

1. Get grounded in the present moment.

Dr. Andrew Weil discusses a great breathing technique taken from the yogic tradition. He describes it as the 4-7-8 method. I love it because you can do in a meeting, while playing with your kids, or in an important conversation.   It is so simple and doable.

• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound.
• Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of four.
• Hold your breath for a count of seven.
• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight.
• This is one breath. Now inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four breaths.

 

2. Open the door.

This step is about being willingn to imagine new possibilities. This is a difficult thing to do when we are accustomed to doing something a particular way a.k.a. habits. What it takes for this step to be successful is non-judgment. Put away your inner critic, the editor, the nasty voice on your shoulder that inhibits you and allow yourself a block of time to answer the question:

 
What would your life look like if you were living for NOW?

Brainstorm a list and write it down of ways that you could help yourself live in the present more fully. Try not to cross anything out; just let it be. If you need to take a couple days in order to be open to the possibilities. In this stage, all that is necessary is openness and wonder.

 

3. Take a step

Now, it is time to summon your courage up! Take a look at the list you created. Circle the top three ideas that speak to you as ways that will most help you embrace your life at this very moment. Look at the three ideas you have circled. Which one feels the most possible and energizing to do? Start with that one. So often, we discourage ourselves by taking the hardest task first. No way! Go for the one that feels the best!

Once you have the step you need to take laid out before you. Create a second list numbered 1,2,3. We are breaking that first step down even further. What are three steps you plan to take in order for that original goal to get accomplished? Complete this list and write a goal date to check in with yourself to see how your new outlook is going.

When you feel ready, tackle the second idea you circled. Keep it up until you are aware of a shift in your outlook.

4. Celebrate!

Making changes to our lives and our selves is really hard work. It takes a lot of
dedication and drive. That is why it is very important to celebrate what steps we do take! After you have your list and have begun work on it, come up with one very special way to treat yourself. You deserve it!

 

  Remembering that all these hurdles are a apart of what life is about can help us to relax a little in our anticipation of the struggles being over. By allowing ourselves to focus on the current moment, we are able to be more open to what lessons or ideas can be gained from each experience.  In doing so, the ride becomes much more enjoyable and we can keep our eyes open to what is before us.

Juicing the Experience

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference.
            --Robert Frost

   I have returned from a short break, in which I headed up into Canada for some time at a beautiful lake.  I went with a phenomenal group called Two Roads Maine.  Their name is  a reference to the Robert Frost poem above.  The whole premise of their organization is to encourage us to look beyond what it is we see or tell ourselves is the story but to go within ourselves to find out what the story truly is inside of us that needs to be told.  Also, an integral part of the experience is opening the connection to the wilderness.    Here is the blurb they have on their website:

    Two Roads supports people at those critical crossroads,
     when they must make choices about new directions
     involving their health and well-being, by providing
     opportunities to enter and experience the natural world.

  After a thought-provoking gathering in the morning and then time for a solo to explore the fields or the lake, we reconvened to something called a "council".  This is the heart of the experience in which participants are able to share their experience and journey without a dialogue.  Instead,  each person gets a chance to share their thoughts and then it moves on to the next speaker.  Afterwards, there is a greeting time so that everyone can connect with each other about what was shared.  I found this format very powerful and it offers an amazing way to effect healing, change, and growth in one's life.  How often do we have a place in our lives where we can share, be vulnerable, and ponder without fear of repercussions, inconveniencing another, or wondering how our thoughts will be interpreted?

Since my retreat, I have been thinking about the concept of "juicing the experience".    When we are in the middle of an incredible life experience, it can be challenging to grasp the rigor and the ripple effects the experience is going to leave on our lives.  Sometimes, it takes a little distance from the situation to begin to reflect on the mark left upon us.

  If you have ever juiced a lemon or orange by hand, you know that it takes a little muscle power and time to get all of the juice out.  And often, just when you think you have gotten all there is to get...out comes a little more.  The same is true when we are going through a transformative experience whether it feels like  a positive or a difficult time.  There is a flood of new ideas, ways of looking at things, and perceptions that are opening before us.  Then, over time, if we are persistent we are able to feel the ripple effects or the last drops of juice spill out offering us even more lessons gained from what we have been through. 

  I love the idea of "juicing the experience" because it encourages us to take time and bring consciousness to how we are living our days.  And in gathering this awareness, we are better able to effect the kinds of change we are looking for.  As we tap into what the juice of the experience is offering us, our inner voice of intuition is given a platform to express the vision it sees.  And this allows us to make our way into living healthy, connected, and fulfilling lives.

For more information about Two Roads Maine, go to www.tworoadsmaine.org .

 
 

Welcoming Spring!

   We're off on vacation for a wee bit...so I leave you with a quote to enjoy until my return.  Please check back on May6th for a new entry.  Until then, be well!

Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life.
In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth,

The Glory of Action,

The Splendor of Beauty;

    For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision;

But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day! Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!”

                  

  -Kalidasa

Leaping through the Portal

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. "

        Alice in Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

    Initially, my clients do an excellent job explaining to me how hard it feels to make the transformation they most desire.   What makes change seem possible for some and not others? While change can come about without prior thought or choice due to powerful circumstances which alter our lives, more often change occurs because we go to sleep or wake up saying that we need a shift in our life experience.  And more than just saying it, we are at a point where we feel it deep within that it is true and it is time for this transformation.  With this conviction, we are ready to begin moving the mountain of our notion of "what has always been" or "what should be" in our lives.    And most importantly, we have to want it, really want to experience life on a new path.
    Why?  Because this is BIG work.   It is awesome, energizing and exciting work and at the same time, SCARY work.  Why?  Because when we open ourselves up to the idea that a change in our actions is possible, we are also opening the door to a shift in our consciousness.   Unfortunately, we can be so  resistant to the unknown that we lead ourselves to believe one of the following ideas when contemplating a shift in our lives:

•  I don't want to take a risk, because what if it gets me into a worse place than I am in right now  or This is as good as it gets

•    I am not capable of making a change and I don't have the skill, talent, intelligence necessary to do so

•    I will probably fail or I might succeed and then what would happen?

•    What I want is not realistic or possible.  And who am I to think I deserve such change anyway?

   Let me just break it to you right now, all of these ideas are RUBBISH.  Yes, convincing, intimidating, and seemingly powerful, but when you get right down to it, they are simply rubbish talk.  How do I know this?   Look at the statements.  It is fear talking, not truth.  We know fear statements because they stop us in our tracks and not in a  warm and fuzzy way either.  Fearful thinking leads us to feeling crummy about ourselves and our potential.  When we are caught in the pattern of fear based decision making, we can not seem to find the road that leads out. 

    As we connect with our desire for transformation and a new way of living our lives, we are better able to remind ourselves,  "Hey, these are my fears talking not my truths," then we can continue on with  jumping  through a portal to a new world like Alice in the above quote.

   I call these opportunities to leap into a new way of being, PORTAL MOMENTS.  They are moments that open before us when we are able to push our fears back just enough that we can see the light of what we want and what we  know  deep within is possible, what we deserve, and how we want to live our days.  When we get to a portal moment we have a choice to make and it is pretty simple , though not necessarily easy.   The choice goes pretty much like this:

       A. JUMP                                  B.   NOT JUMP

   Sorry to break it to you, but as you've probably guessed, if we can make it this far...jumping is the name of the game.  The part of ourselves that desires change is going to make life pretty stinking difficult if we tell it to shush so that can opt out of jumping so we can go back to the status quo way we have been doing things.  Nope, once we have connected with the change that we know needs to be made--not making the change  becomes more painful  than weeding through our fears to jump.

    How do we jump?  We fill our heads with CHAMPION TALK not rubbish talk.  If we can imagine ourselves as the big winner standing on the podium waving the gold medal or huge trophy wildly above our heads, we can get the rubbish talk to begin to dissolve.  Using the previous statements, we can transform our energy about change by telling ourselves the following:

•  By taking this leap, I will live the life I want to be living.
  

•    I AM capable of making a change and I HAVE the skill, talent, intelligence necessary to do so

•    I will succeed and that means I will feel fulfilled, energized, and hopeful.

•    What I want IS realistic AND  possible.  I deserve this change in my life.

   With these positive ideas as our fuel, we have the opportunity to leap through the portal into the existence that before we thought was a dream or for someone else.    By filling our heads and hearts with champion talk rather than fear based rubbish talk we are better able to guide ourselves through the portal into the vision we desire.  And then like Alice in Wonderland says, we are able to proudly say "It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."  For we have made the leap and are on a new journey.

 

30 Days:30

The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive.
                        -Thich Nhat Hanh

  While I would not pass up the opportunity to walk on water seeing how it is a cool fantasy of mine, I like this sentiment by Thich Nhat Hanh.  It reminds us of the value of  being here now and appreciating the experience life is presenting to us at this very second.  To feel the grass beneath our toes, listen deeply while in a conversation, or luxuriate in a hot bath is to ground ourselves in what is going on around us at THIS VERY MOMENT.  And that can be quite a challenge when it seems as if there are a number of things hurling their way at us every minute as they compete for priority on the to do list.

   What can be greater on our to do lists than simply experiencing what is going on around us?  I know it sounds a little wacky, but really, think about it.  How would our days be different if we included being grateful for our lives at the very top of our to do list?

   I think it might have a very powerful impact on our daily living.  What if upon getting cut off  while driving in traffic, getting admonished by a boss, or having a disagreement with a loved one we were able to freeze the frame and take a long, deep unhurried breath?  In this breath would be a calmness, a peace, and a realization that while whatever is going on in causing us discomfort or annoyance, beyond it is our spiritual thankfulness for living the lives we lead.

   It can be easy to think, "Mmm...right."   When we are in those times that we are faced with a challenging situation, it can be very hard to stop reacting to what is going on.  We let the event determine our emotion and our spiritual state.  By freezing the frame,  taking a breath and actively choosing to respond to what is going on from our own centered space,   we let our own truth be our center rather than being in reaction to whatever is coming at us. 

   This is where gratitude comes in.  As we identify areas or moments of our lives for which we are grateful, we are anchoring ourselves in the present moment.  Expressing thankfulness for an element of our lives helps to diffuse any charge that is throwing us off balance.    I like to think of it like judo in which one defeats an opponent by allowing the opponent's momentum play out on itself.  For example, by staying calm in the face of a frustrating situation and allowing the energy to play its own momentum out without reacting against the energy, we are able to stay in our own center and let the destructive energy dissolve itself.  I think of gratitude as the grounding power which allows us in which to remain still thus deflecting the charged momentum. 

    The result is that we  feel calmer, more grounded, and better able to take the next step from a balanced place  rather than feeling a dizziness associated with the tilt a whirl at a carnival.  This anchoring is vital because we get a fuller picture of what is going on in our life and for where we are aiming to go.

  As we make our daily to do lists piled high with errands and chores, remember that adding a moment to pause and connect with our surroundings and enjoy a feeling of thankfulness for where we are or what we have in our lives can uplift our entire day by reminding us to live from our center no matter what comes our way.